Having His Baby But Not His Heart

“Then she became pregnant a third time and gave birth to another son. He was named Levi, for she said, “Surely this time my husband will feel affection for me, since I have given him three sons!”  Genesis 29:34 

It took a long time to believe the Bible could help navigate all the roadblocks of my life.

It’s not like I didn’t believe in God. I just never imagined a story from thousands of years ago could speak to my deepest hurt and unmask my hidden scars.

That was before I stumbled across the story of Leah and Jacob.

Tucked in between the pages of Genesis, their relationship could have easily been the main feature on any of today’s reality television shows.

It’s a story woven in rejection and entangled with love and betrayal.  And it’s one that unexpectedly tugged on the strings of my single mom heart.

Even though Leah was married to Jacob, she lived most of her life coping with being unloved and unwanted.

Baby after baby, Leah kept hoping Jacob’s feelings towards her would change. But six sons and one daughter later, she still could not capture his affection or win his adoration.

Reading Leah’s agony transported me back to my own complicated story.

I knew from the start my ex’s heart was off limits. While I initially agreed to keep things casual, it quickly became tough to stick to the terms of our agreement.

I desperately hoped because of the intimate moments we shared, he would eventually want to be more than ‘friends’.

But eventually never came, not even after finding out I was pregnant.

Like Leah, I thought having his child would finally attach us emotionally. But having his baby did nothing to secure my position in his heart.

Like Leah, my first few years of motherhood were challenging.

I wrestled with savoring the time spent with my sweet baby girl while struggling to move past my now shattered hopes and desires.

I wanted my family to be complete. And accepting a reality framed differently than the image in my head, well that was more than my heart could handle back then.

Unfortunately, Leah’s story and my story is now the new norm of many women today.

Many are married, single, young and older; some are first time moms while others have journeyed down this road before.

Our storylines may have different characters and different settings but the ending is regrettably the same.

We all thought his devotion would change after having his child…or children.

But even if our lives did not turn out the way we envisioned, we can hold on to the same hope Leah kept throughout her life.

Leah found comfort in knowing God saw her pain and her frustrations. She may not have had Jacob’s love but she certainly had God’s, and so do we!

God’s love for us will never change.  It never makes us doubt our worth. It never leaves us broken.

We never have to use anything to influence His love; it never requires an ultimatum or any kind of convincing.

Instead, God repeatedly floods every heart that comes His way with His tender love and consistent care.

It’s because of His love I’ve learnt to let go of what I can’t change or control. And, His love continues to free me to live out this thrilling adventure of being a single mom.

God’s love is the kind of love I need in my life.

It is the ONLY love we all need in our lives!

Share on
Previous Post Next Post

You may also like

No Comments

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.